Ever since I was a kid, I have been bullied, threatened, and abused by other kids at school and out of school. At age 7 I was molested by my babysitter's 13 year old son. Practically all my life I was told that I was worth nothing. That nobody cared for me. That I was a pitiful annoying waste of space. My mom was always working, and my dad (who was more or less out of the picture once I turned 10) is mentally fucked up. I never really had anyone to turn to, and when I had a problem, I always kept it inside, not talking to anybody, and (from what I'm told since I hardly remember anything from my childhood) would always act out in strange ways, making weird noises in class, or doing something random just to call attention to myself; which in turn would always trigger the same negativity that I hated. I didn't understand it. Other kids were cruel to me. They'd always do something to me, like put glue in my chair in class, pass me by when they went to sit down and whisper things like "I'm going to get you at recess."; and when I'd tell my teacher about these things, she would always tell me to stop making things up and to sit back down in my chair. I hated it. I hated life.
I moved to the bottom of Texas when I was 16. I thought things were going to be different. I thought things were going to turn out better. I was wrong. It was a new environment, but the people were the same, only now they were Mexican. I'd still get treated like shit and called nasty things, only this time in Spanish. A few times I was told to go back to where I came from, that a "Nazi" didn't belong here. That if I didn't go back then they would kill me. Every day getting worse and worse verbal threats from these people that I had done nothing to. Twice I had planned to kill myself. Twice I was "saved" when I heard a song, a stupid song, from a band that I like. I learned from these two songs that I shouldn't care what other people thought of me, and what will happen will happen whether I'm happy or sad. There were things to wake up for (quote from the song.
I tried not letting other people get to me, always smiling and being nice and helpful to others, but inside it still did. I no longer wanted to kill myself, but I started playing videos games and eating to solve my problems. I'd always been a sort of husky guy, but when I started doing this and I got on a scale I was shocked and ashamed to find that I weighed 305 lbs. I couldn't stop eating. It was a habit, one that was hard to break. I stopped weighing myself for fear of seeing a number higher than that.
I graduated with average grades. I was getting all As on tests, even finishing a final exam in 12 minutes with a 97% on it. But because I wouldn't do my homework I got an average of a 2.8 GPA. Ended up getting a job at McDonald's. Had it for 5 years then got fired back in April. Shenanigans. Been trying to find a job ever since with no luck. On Halloween of this year I went to a friend's house to see if his mom could help with the job hunt and saw that they had a scale in their kitchen and figured "what the hell". Stepped on it and to my surprise I weighed 220 lbs. I was ecstatic. I'd been so ashamed of my body and now here I was almost 100 pounds lighter than I thought I was. The look on my face was of pure astonishment. I couldn't believe it. Almost instantaneously a smile formed on my face and I suddenly started looking at the world in a positive light. My confidence shot through the roof. From that point on, I was happy.
I'm no longer the sad boy I used to be. Now I am positive and have high hopes for the future. Someday things will get better for me. Someday I'll be able to accomplish the goals that I want to do. Someday, I will be the person I always thought I could be. And I will be happy.